I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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