New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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