Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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