My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
