You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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