Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
