someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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