Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
