A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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