eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
