I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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