I just threw up on my dentist
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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