I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You may now shotgun with the bride
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
