it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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