Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
