so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
