This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
