Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
