Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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