does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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