I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
