an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
