WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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