Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
