Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
