I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
