i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
