...so i touched it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
