hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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