my mouth tastes like poor choices
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
