Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
