i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
