I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
