STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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