Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
