Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
