ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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