My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
