i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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