Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
