worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
