Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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