You smell like a Billy Joel song
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
