im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
