it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
