woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
