My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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