I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
