Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
