I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
