Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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