I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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