so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
