I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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