You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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