He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
