moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
