I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
