I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
