$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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