Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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