I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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